Lesson 4

Parenting with love, limits, and latitude: Proclamation principles and supportive scholarship

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995, para. 6)

Raising children in righteousness is one of the scariest journeys that anyone can undertake. It feels overwhelming to begin, frightening in the middle, and then looking back when all done, it feels like “that wasn’t so bad”. Because children (like all humans) are so individual, it is impossible to create one “owner’s manual” that covers every single something that will happen. However, we do have scriptures, prophets, and prayer that can guide us to seek learning and guidance to help in the journey. As Joseph Smith stated: “I teach the people correct principles, and they govern themselves” (quoted in Young, 1865, Journal of Discourses, 10:57-58).

All children need love. They need limits. And they need latitude. Children need to know that their parents love them, and not just with words. Our daily actions will show them that we care what they do, who they are with, and how they are doing in all aspects of their lives. The won’t care how we feel about actions if they don’t believe that we care about them more.

Children need limits. Not strict “do as I say” parenting, but limits within their age-appropriate lives. Parents set limits and rules for their homes, and teach their children how to follow them appropriately. They guide rather than order; apply consequences rather than punishment; and do it all with the overarching love within their home.

Children need latitude… latitude to make mistakes as well as good choices. They cannot learn to repair mistakes if they never make any. A small child may be given the choice between wearing this outfit or that one today. A slightly older child can choose from their drawer their own outfit. An even older child can participate in purchasing or making their clothes. A small example, but something that parents need to apply to every aspect of their children’s choices and lives. Is the child of an age where making a choice here will be appropriate? Then give them the choice within the limits of the family, the gospel, and their age.

This list in the chapter gives a great overview of what a child needs from their parents (Hart, Newel, & Haupt, page 105)

·       Love, warmth, and support

·       Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior

·       Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise

·       Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits

·       Opportunities to perform competently and make choices

·       Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming and inflicting guilt

·       Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes.

Discussion Questions:

What age-appropriate decisions are my children ready to make?

How often do I need to revisit those limits and boundaries for my children?

Are we as parents on the same page regarding love, limits and latitude? 

Works cited:

A. J. Hawkins, D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.). (2010) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (2^nd ed.). Brigham Young University.

Hart, C. H., Newell, L. D., Haupt, J. H. (2010) Parenting with love, limits, and latitude: proclamation principles and supportive scholarship. In A. J. Hawkins, D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.). (2010) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (2^nd ed. Pp 27-37). Brigham Young University.

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