Lesson 8:

Repentance and forgiveness in family life

Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of…repentance [and] forgiveness. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995, para. 7)

Repentance is one of the first four principles of the gospel. It is a turning away from sin and becoming someone new. Forgiveness is the process of letting go of hurt and anger against another (or yourself). Both processes are essential in family life, usually daily. “Repentance and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin and are frequently addressed together. For example, apologies facilitate forgiveness, and forgiveness motivates repentance” (Walton & Hendricks, page 201).

All human beings do things that need repentance. Small acts can cause hurt or anger in others. Large acts can devastate individuals and entire families. Recognizing those actions and working to repair them are essential. Making the effort to do better next time is part of the process.

Forgiveness is the internal process of letting go. Forgiving another can come with or without the other person’s repentance. It is the process of putting the Atonement of Christ into action in our hearts. He has offered to take all of our pain and our hurts and burdens so that we do not have to carry them with us. When we allow Him to take them, we can move forward. Some things are easy to forgive and forget. Others are not. For those big things that have caused life-long damage, forgiveness can be very difficult and can take a long time. An important point to remember is that forgiving someone who has perhaps literally committed a crime against you does not mean you must let them hurt you again. It means that you do not harbor hate and anger in your heart. You have given those things to the Lord and will let Him sort it out.

How do we repent? While there are some basic steps as outlined below, it can be very simple, or very involved. Large sins may require the law to step in, others just need mom to oversee, or others by yourself in prayer.

·       Recognize the sin. Admit to yourself what you have done wrong.

·       Feel sorrow for the sin. Come to God with a broken heart and contrite spirit.

·       Forsake the sin. Stop doing it, and pledge to never do it again.

·       Confess. Confess to the Lord, the person you offended, and in some cases to church authority or even the law.

·       Make restitution. As far as possible, make it right.  

(Walton & Hendricks, page 205)

How do we forgive someone (or ourselves)? There are also here some basic steps. It can also be simple, or it may be a years long or lifetime process. There is no timeline, and no rush. Reconciliation may or may not happen. You forgive for the sake of your own peace, to be able to reach a place where you are transformed, freed from resentment and pain, and to be closer to Christ.

·       Recall the hurt. To forgive you must be clear about what happened and acknowledge the pain.

·       Empathize. Try to understand the transgressor. Was it deliberate? An accident? Why may they have acted that way?

·       Offer the altruistic gift of forgiveness. Being aware of your own shortcomings, or those times when you were forgiven may bring more awareness.

·       Commit publicly to forgive. Perhaps only to one person, a friend or counselor, write a letter or in a journal your path to forgiving.

·       Hold on to forgiveness. When your thoughts return to the hurt, remind yourself you already made the decision to forgive. Remind yourself to move forward. Forgiveness is not a ‘forget’ card. Living well is the best way to keep going.  

(Walton & Hendricks, page 206)

Repentance and forgiveness can be simple for small things. Or it can be very lengthy. Whether large or small, we must remember that these processes are gifts from our Father in Heaven and allow us to become closer to Christ and understand the gospel better. They teach us humility, and a greater understanding of the atonement.

Discussion Questions:

What do I need to repent of?

What do I need to forgive someone for?

How can both of those processes provide me with needed peace in my life?

Works cited:

A. J. Hawkins, D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.). (2010) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (2^nd ed.). Brigham Young University.

Walton, E. & Hendricks, H. M. (2010) Repentance and forgiveness in family life. In A. J. Hawkins, D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.). (2010) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (2^nd ed. Pp 27-37). Brigham Young University.