Lesson 5

Parenting in gospel context: Practices do make a difference

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God, and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1995, para. 6)

Parenting is difficult work. You start the job with zero experience, your spouse also has zero experience, and your baby… they are also new to the job. Each child you parent has a unique set of genetics, which affect them in ways you do not know. Each one has a distinct personality and will react to the world in ways that will differ from each other, and from your own way of seeing things. They will have different challenges in their life, some you have never seen before, and both of you must navigate almost blindly. But there is hope and help.

Secular research has shown the most effective way to parent children, which is in line with the scriptures and the words of prophets over decades and centuries. There are many styles of parenting, from the neglectful permissive style, to the coercive authoritarian, and a much more grounded center authoritative style. (Nelson, page 120) What is authoritative parenting?

An authoritative parent does have expectations and rules for their children. Those rules (with a few exceptions) are not “set in stone”, nor so rigid that children feel stifled by or frightened of their parents. They know that the rules are age-appropriate, with freedoms gradually granted as maturity and experience show that the child can handle those freedoms safely. Children are given leeway to make mistakes, but are not so free that it could be mistaken for neglect. The parents counsel together as a couple, and with the children so that they know what is expected of them. A child with an authoritative parent knows that the parent, not the kids, are in charge of the home, and also knows that their parents ‘have their back’ and will help to guide them into the next stage of their life. The parents seek counsel from scriptures and prophets, and from the best books (not the next trend) on how to guide their children. Authoritative parents teach and guide, they don’t preach and nag. Nor do they manipulate or use guilt to induce a child to bend to their will. They respect their children’s agency, and allow them the space to grow.

Discussion Questions:

What parenting style did I grow up with? My spouse?

How does that information affect my parenting style?

How do we create an authoritative spirit of parenting in our home, with our children?

Works Cited:

A. J. Hawkins, D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.). (2010) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (2^nd ed.). Brigham Young University.

Nelson, D. A., (2010) Parenting in gospel context: practices do make a difference. In A. J. Hawkins, D. C. Dollahite & T. W. Draper (Eds.). (2010) Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (2^nd ed. Pp 27-37). Brigham Young University.